46th Day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


Well, I think the cold may be on the mend and I am looking forward to this next week and making something positive happen - God willing. I got a good e-mail from a Company in Pismo Beach that has a live on site position but he said no pets so I don;t know... I love Charby but I love living indoors and having food too so we will see. I have some irons in the fire this week. The Verizon bill is due and my club membership is due on the 11th so something needs to happen quick. I prayed about it this morning and I feel good like I am turning it over as much as possible anyway.

I saw the new series NY Ink Last night and it ROCKS! I like it but you know I have noticed something with all the "reality TV shows" that they show the same fucken spot over and over again, kinda gets on my nerves. I like the drama though and I like to see Amni back in the spotlight, he started it all in in my opinion deserves a lot of recognition for bring the industry out to the public in a positive light. I know it is a lot of drama bullshit but you can read behind the lines and see that he is a cool guy that stays true to himself and I like him. So, yes, I do recommend the show! Miami Ink is the first show that gave me the idea to tattoos on pottery about 5 years ago. I still have my dream of bringing this dam thing to the public with my wall hangings instead of depressing urns. I will be getting a "Toy Trailer" to take my art studio with me where ever I go next time so I will never be in jeopardy of loosing it again. I figure if I have it connected to the van I can just live in the van or get a good enough job to live on-site at an apartment community and go to tattoo conventions on the weekend. I will work on getting a sponsor when I am ready to take the idea to market. I am still perfecting the business in my head and when it comes out and the timing is right watch the fuck out cuz it is going to be big! I am going to take this dream of mine and make a shit load of money with it. Just keep watching me and you will see. Only an entrepreneur can on his last fucken leg state these things and make them come true. I am a true entrepreneur and will make this dream of mine happen. I have learned that 'timming" has a hell of a lot to do with major success and I am seeing the timing that has to happen and the things that will make me succeed. That is the good thing about going through some rough shit like this and coming through the fire if you will to the other side, You learn a hell of a lot about yourself and what to do better next time. I will never give up my dreams no matter what. I will however have a job and keep the fucken thing this time as I am setting up the business. The three major things I want and I have to remind myself that my goals are still in progress as of July 7th my sober 16th B-Day. I may make them yet. I need to find a job that pays $3,000 a month so we will see.. I want to get a toy trailer and start to set up the studio this year and get ready to bring the idea to market next year at tattoo conventions. This is cool experience to to be able to "camp" in the van when I go to conventions and art show in the future. It all means something and I just need to keep the faith.




This chick (Megan Massacre) rocks it out and I love her tattoo work. She is 25 and been doing it for 7 years now, she will be the star of the show. Not just cuz she has a boob shot on Google but because her work is sick...

42nd Day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Camping:  Life is actually getting better and more clearer the more I stay camping and doing the next indicated step. I am looking at this time God has given to me as a time to reflect and re-group my priorities in life and I feel very fortunate to have had this time. I am not worried anymore and am actually excited to see what is going to open up for me. I have not smoked and that is HUGE for me! I have about 9 months now from smoking! I can't believe it and I think I am really quit for good this time - one day at a time. A cig still sounds good but working out like this and taking care of myself is really paying off and I have replaced good habits with bad it seems like. I have as of yesterday been parking the van by the gym and have lost my sacred triangle. The triangle was The street where I wake up to the gym, to the meeting at 12:00PM and then to McDonald's work on the Internet oh and then to the beach for my nap with charby... I It is cool though and I feel like this new schedule due to the fact I can not afford to put gas in the van is working out for me. It is forcing me to ride my bike which puts me in even better shape. I just leave the van by the gym an ride my bike to the meeting and then ride to the library afterwords to look for work and then go back to the gym for another swim or whatever to hang out. I then can ride to McDonald's if I feel like I have more energy like tonight. I am though looking forward to getting a job and getting back to my triangle!

Looking for Employment:  It is going slow as usual but hopeful. I feel like it is getting closer. I have an interview in Ventura soon to apply for a Regional Manager position and am excited about that. I would be managing like 12 properties and working out of the Corp. office in Ventura. I just wrote a summary for it and sent it off tonight.  I also have not yet heard form the guy that wants to retire here in Goleta? He was supposed to give me a call by today. I don't like that he did not say what he was going to do but lets give him one more day before I blast him haha. I really like him and his wife and want to stay here in Goleta and work for them. I also found another improved way to search for jobs in case anyone wants to know. I have obviously expanded my job search for all of California. I go to Craig's list and they list every City in that state to the right and you can search every city that way for a particular job you are looking for. It seems like Craig's List is really coming up the ranks as far as being the job search tool here in California at least. I have definitely had more calls and some I don't really want to get... I got one for an on-site apartment manager for this property located in Taft - What a shit whole place that is.. I will stay homeless in Santa Barbara thank you very much.. But the point is that I got the call from the owner and the expanded search did work. I talked to him for about 1/2 hour. I think he would hire me but like i said I am good for the gym and the cell phone for another few weeks so I think I will hold out the gamble to stay here in Paradise. I have gone this far I may as well play it out. I am really glad that I am sticking to my guns and throwing the dice to stay here even to this extreme. It gives me even more juice to keep going and work even harder. I am still looking at this as a cool challenge. That is why I am Blogging the date every post because every day I can live here and be following my dream the better. I will stay here and make a life for myself here. Sometimes in times like this economy it just takes you being even more savy and smart and to work just that much harder. It is still a game to me this living life sober thing, it is all gravy anyway cuz I should be 6 feet under or in jail anyway - Fuck it!

The "Justified Resentment":  It is getting better day by day.  I am making it a conscious effort every since I have talked to my sponsor about it to pray for her and ask for all the things that I should want for her to have in life, etc... I do mean it now just after a couple days of doing it and I have learned something else today as well and that is I need to now forgive her. This is the final step in giving up the resentment. It is weird cuzcuz I did give my heart to her and she is only the 3rd person I really gave my heart to in my love life so this one has been really hard for me.  The pain of a breakup or divorce is just awful and I hope I don't have to go through this shit to much more in my life. Maybe the next time I can really get to know the person before I just take the leap and jump in, give my heart to them and put the blinders on. I think this person is a good person and I know I have my part to play in the relationship like putting the blinders on for so long, etc...  When I really look at it we both tried and it just didn't fucken work out. Not cuz she was planning some plot to ruin me or some shit we just did not fit like we should have and didn't work well together financially and respect each other enough to work at keeping the love alive. The trust thing gets me but I can't control other people or there actions. All I can do is keep trusting and see if I can get someone to be in it for the long hall next time. But look at my shit I have been the one that ran and didn't put up with a lot of shit before so who I am I to talk to blame someone when it is done to me. All is fair in love and war. I think a part of it is that you have to be lucky and fall in love with that someone special and then realize you were lucky to find the person and work your ass off to keep the love alive. Love is something that can't be controlled or manipulated for long. It is a gift and something to treasure and treat with respect. When you have "It" and we all know what that is for us you need to respect it and be true to it. I was true to this last one for me and I am proud of myself that I was. But I was not the one who had to put up with the shit, she did. I was not working and doing my art full time and I know that is something that would be hard for anyone to handle and be patient with. Shit I have left relationships because I couldn't stand the kid or for what ever reason. If I mean the prayer that I pray and want to walk my talk then I can decide to forgive her (my trespassers) as they (the people I trespass against) can forgive me. I can do this, I know I can... I want to have a good healthy relationship in the future with that person that has "It". I will not be able to recognize it if I am still tangled up in old bullshit. We both have the debt to pay back for the chance we both took and lets leave it here. I will not be blogging about this shit again and I am really going to leave this shit right here on this blog tonight.

Thought I would put some dick on this blog since I have had so many requests and some people think I am discriminating...

Till next time....

33rd Day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Today I am doing my laundry and waiting to out to dinner with a friend - at McDonald's my usual computing palace.. I asked about a limousine job last night but I think my drivers licence is less than desirable as far as moving violations haha. I have a 20% chance of getting a really killer job in Goleta with a Property Manager that has been here for 30 years. I am going to go to Century 21 on Monday and see what it takes to get my real estate lic. I need it anyway for this area and my career. in Southern Ca. they have HOA's with large communities but here in the Central Coast they have a lot of smaller portfolios and single family management deals that need to have a Lic. to manage. I also want to buy something when the market starts to go back up a few years from now. So I will be getting my Lic. I have decided that. I will also blog about what is takes, how much, etc... next week. I also have a interview with a large Company in Goleta this next week. So I am hopeful!

It is a good day I had a great meeting at 12:00 Community Center. The meeting was about:
1. Why you go to AA Meetings and keep going?
2. What do you get most out of them?

I heard a lot of great things but like what was said in the meeting a large part of why I go is the fellowship and hearing the laughter and being around some positive energy. For me personally the largest reason that I go to meetings is the glimpse of Serenity that I got in the beginning. Now I have weeks with straight good days and mostly feeling comfortable in my own skin.  The time has just expanded in the amount of peace I have in my life and the tools in which I can maintain that peace and serenity. I also noticed as I was sharing that I have had the gift of desperation and being uncomfortable being in meetings cuz I always felt that I had to be honest with myself in the meetings and what I shared. If I was doing something that was wrong or dishonest to m myself or others I would get really nervous and full of anxiety. Now with almost 16 years (July 7th) I do feel a comfort in every meeting I go to. I have worked very hard for that feeling on a regular basis. one of the things is that I keep learning about being honest on so many different levels and keeping that honest with self so that I can stay feeling serene. This year I am working on being more Happy, Joyas and Free instead of just staying serene. I am putting myself out there and becoming more social and it is nice to have met some really cool people that are positive influences in my life. I feel like my life is moving in the right direction even though I am "Camping" and life kinda sucks financially I feel like I am making some major strides in other areas of my life. Like - being more social, exercise and looking and feeling better that I ever have. Being able to pick better people to let into my life and set boundaries when a person I meet and talk to does not make me feel good. It is hard to set boundaries but something you really have to do. I have to do that with a sponcee of mine. I have to set a boundary of not talking or being around him until he gets sober and can be totally honest with me. I can't allow myself to have people around me and in my life that are not being totally honest with me. I have learned that allowing that in your life is just to costly. Trust is huge with me and something that I am learning about. I am spiritually growing cuz of the lessons I am willing to learn and the pain that is involved. Like keeping my integrity even though it has cost me a lot financially, it is so worth it! I feel free and like I will live a long useful life in what I am meant to do now instead of "selling out" and just keeping the high paying job to keep things stable financially. Fuck that, you should stay true to yourself no matter what. As I am "Camping" outside of my previous job in Goleta haha I know they will not bother me on that particular street. Anyway, it is just ironic that I moved here making $65,000 and looking so good on the outside, all polished and shinny on the outside and dying on the inside because I was in a career I hated. I was thinking before I petted my cat and went to bed with $135.00 to my name and not knowing what is going to happen that I am so fucken happy I quit and stayed true to myself. It will pay major dividends the next time I am successful and in the next level of my financial life. I noticed recently that I have not had the stress elements that used to come out physically for like 6 months now, even though I am going through the roughest part of my financial life. That should tell me something DUH! I was in something I hated and need to change. I only wish I would have made the decision sooner. I know something will workout great and it

The Promises:

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

This is a movie that I want to watch someone said in the meeting at 12:00 it was kinda freaky but I would like to see because of my current position. Hopefully it will give me some hope or just be a good movie. I will let you know on the next blog post what i thought about it.

<iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xa5qg7cB1ZQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen>iframe>

25th Day of Camping... Homeless in Santa Barbara Ca.

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


This blogging everyday is getting pretty cool. The Goleta Beach by the pier is becoming my living room in the late afternoon and the McDonlad's is the kitchen/Internet room late at night to blog at haha. It is getting very bearable at this point and actually a little fun to challenge myself to see if I can make this work out to my benefit. Wow, I was telling my Dad today the amount of money that I could save by living this way for a while. It is pretty amazing.

I went to Men's Warehouse today and got all my dress pants altered since I have lost about 25 pounds at the gym. There was a real rude asshole that was at the front. I got to tell him in front of his employees that I didn't like him and that I am so fucken glad that I didn' have to work with him in a very calm and low voice. It was pretty awesome and ya I know that is not the AA way but fuck it sometimes you just have to tell people that they suck ya know. Someone shit in his Wheaties this morning and he wanted to take it out on the rest of the population.

Anyway, it was a pretty dam good day today. The gym was cool and I had a great workout this morning. Went to a great AA Meeting at 12:00 the topic was having paitence. Something I have to work on every day.. pottery has tought me a lot of paitence but I still need to work on it! I did think to myself there is also a form of false paitence which I guess would be called denial. I was in denial with my ex in that I thought well, I will just have patience for a change in this relationship and maybe she will change - WRONG! fuck that I will never do that shit again. OK, I am still working the the resentment... I also heard that when you are frustrated that something is about to happen, this has always been the case for me personally so it is not always a bad thing to be frustrated. Frustration means that I am not going in the right direction and need to change something or my thinking.

Anyway, then I called the Mac Store and asked them if I could download Itunes onto a regular MP3 player and they said no you have to have the ipod or shuffle or something if you want to use Itunes to download music for free. It is a good deal though and something that I will get when I have some money cuz it is better than paying $14.95 for Napster when I can pay for a shuffle and get all the music for free. that was cool news..

I must say it is nice not to have to watch TV and the CNN News all the time too. It just makes you feel depressed anyway and I am really enjoying other things like having time with Charby at the beach and being outside. I can always watch the TV on the computer anyway..

I love this dam video just thought I would post it again. If you have the time watch it all the way though as it gets so much better and better. I think it sounds very cool..



Love Kid Rock... Good interview if you missed it 3 months ago...




As I see it my goals I set for myself last year are going to be somewhat on track actually. They are form the book "Think and Grow Rich" I have a van paid for now. I have not created financial security with TooTall's Pottery YET but am on my way with my new living arrangement. I have the bike pad down cuz I am selling it haha. Fuck it it is working out. I am looking forward to getting back into the pottery/tattoo game very soon. Actually I am going to start looking for studio space and getting my shit together again. I also will be able to take my art to Tattoo conventions now cuz of the van now. I will buy a bike cash in a few months. I will also hopefully be making $3,000+ by the end of this month so I can accomplish that goal and further my career.

This is what I wrote (Goals) a year ago - July 7th - Sober B-Day

Definite Chief Aim Self Supporting - Happy, Joyas and FREE! Priorities:  Sobriety, Family, Business/Art July 4^th to July 7th ^{(Sober B-Day)} My Definite Chief Aim is:  I will create financial security through TooTall’s Pottery to enable me to feel Happy Joyas and Free!  I will GIVE back what has so freely been given to me.  Happy joyas and free is about giving and then receiving. In order to accomplish this I will work every day on TooTall’s Pottery, keeping myself in great physical, spiritual and mental/emotional shape as to be able to listen for the guidance and inspiration that God will give to me.  This will give me clarity of mind body and spirit to get the answers as I need them. I will keep the fire of desire burning by continually reading books that inspire me.  I will keep in perfect harmony the Master Mind alliance that I have started in the physical and mental form to help me attain my definite chief aim.  I will remember my Priorities:  Sobriety, Family, Business/Art. I will make it part of my daily routine to ATTRACT to me the type of people who have a sense of excellence about their work and who want to excel.  In return for their help I will give each person the full benefit of my years of experience.  By helping others, I will benefit by attracting good people to work with and for me. At the end of the first year of business (July 7^th 2011)

 1.       I will have the bike paid off and a van paid for giving me the means to make money from art shows and advance the business while continuing to pay down the credit card.

 2.       Be totally self supporting and making a nice monthly income = No less than $3,000 net per month!

The Sixteen Principles of Personal Achievement What new thing can I learn today?

The master mind alliance ·  A Definite chief aim ·  Self Control ·   The habit of saving ·  Initiative and leadership ·  Imagination · Enthusiasm · Self Control · The habit of doing more than paid for · A pleasing personality · Accurate thinking · Concentration · Cooperation · Profiting by failure · Tolerance · The golden rule - Cosmic Habit force – It is the natural habit of the human mind to try and make whatever thought you hold in your mind come true in reality.

24th day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Just got back from a great AA Meeting. The topic was living in today and not tomorrow or the past, just what I needed to hear. I have been praying for my "justified resentment" to go away and for my ex to get everything I would wish for myself OK, I am trying to get there..  I am realizing my part and trying to keep it all in the proper prospective. People are fallible and it does not mean that they MEAN to do anything to you even though sometimes it seems as though they did. I feel like Doogie Houser in this blog writing down what happened for each day. Pretty cool, I never have kept a journal so this will be the first journal I have done and it will be good I think to be able to look back at this part of my life. I am frustrated and pissed but I do know that God is here for me and that I will have some major lessons to learn from this part of my life. I pray every day that I will have the willingness to learn what those lessons are so that I can get through this fast. I know that one way to get through things is to be willing to learn what you need to learn and sometimes like in tonight's meeting someone said that you have to "practice being satisfied". I really related to this because I always want more and I want it faster NOW! I need to constantly remember to plan the action but leave the results up to God. I am not in control of the results. So I should really not have this "justified resentment" if I look at the past in this way. I planned to have a life with this person and a business but the results did not work out this way, it does not mean that she was wrong or I was, it just did not happen the the manner that I would have liked it to or planned. It is tough to swallow this shit though sometimes. I am working on it. I need to work on being satisfied and getting back to basics. That was a very good statement I heard tonight and one that I hope I can remember and practice! I am satisfied and really always have more than I deserve, shit I should not even be on the planet from screwing up so much when I was drinking and using. I am blessed to be above ground and have the chance to make some better more empowering decisions with the next half of my life. Yes being 40 is staring to sink in but I still feel like I want to hold onto the young 24 year old that just finished partying and wants to go have some more fun. Sobriety and being "an adult" sure as hell is not easy all the time. It is definitely the slower way to roll and to get results but the results once achieved are lasting. I would not trade it for anything today. Sometimes like the other day I was close to really wanting to check out but I realized it was just cuz I was frustrated and being a pussy about the whole thing.. I need to man up and take it one day at a time.

More good news:  I went to Securatas to get a security job and swallow some pride, they said it would take like four to six weeks to get hired and that I may have to shave my beard ya fucken right.. I will work it so I don't have to do that shit. I do like the fact that I can do this on the side though. This will enable me to work a second job and something that I can get some extra $ for to pay back things quicker. The good news is that I got a call from a real nice businessman in Goleta that has been in Property Management for over 30 years. He got my Resume and said he wanted to talk for a bit. We ended up talking for about 45 minutes around lunch today. He sounds like a real nice. honest straight shooting businessman. I am excited to be having lunch with him next Tuesday to discuss a possible opportunity for me to take over his business in a couple years. I will have to obtain my Real Estate License but I have wanted to get that for a long time anyway and that would open up more doors for me anyway. He said that he is looking for someone like me that has the experience in the biz and that is still in my prime and wants to take it to the next level. He wants to get out and enjoy life but still keep some equity in the business. I am looking to settle down and he actually even used the word "nest" here in Santa Barbara. I am definitely looking to do that and what an opportunity this could be for me or anyone. Jobs are incredibly hard to find here in this area and this could be just great and something that I can actually have the power to achieve all of the dreams I have for myself. I want to be doing property management but I want to own my own business as well. I also want to buy some real estate before the market goes back up in a few years. I needed this shot in the arm and bit of hope so bad. I was getting really depressed but still had a seed of hope that something like this would happen. I have been working for it and looking every day. Again plan the action and leave the RESULTS up to God and I am telling you from personal experience and watching others around me in the AA program that no less than actual miracles happen and that things will work out better than what I could have even planned. You just have blind faith and keep on keepin on and things just happen that are even better than what you could have planned. If I don't drink or use and make it though the fire things change and change for the better, always.
Till next time...

23rd day of Camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


Getting better... I am actually getting used to living in the van and will probably stay in the dam thing for a while. I thought shit I could make 1/2 what I did before and be in great shape if I can get used to it. I will be able to pay her off in no time.. I would be ahead of the game and actually it has some major benefits for this weirdo:

1. I go to the gym every day and swim after relaxing in the jacuzzi first thing in the morning. I am loosing weight and am actually getting some muscles.. I like the gym! Your health is really your true wealth! I realized this a couple days ago when I pulled a neck muscle trying to change my shirt in the van and was on my back in the van for a couple days - NOT COOL for your emotional stability!
2. I eat better. I know it sounds weird but I have to eat good for a few reasons number one being that you really don't want to have the shits at 2:00AM parked on the street with no bathroom facilities in site... number two being on food stamps or a tight budget always helps me cuz I have a eating disorder and makes it simpler for me to make good food choices. If I have a little bit of money it makes it easier for me for some weird ass reason. I think to myself well, I better eat decent cuz I only have this much to spend per day. Whatever works.... Three - I only buy for that day what I will eat so I am making better choices because I only have to worry about that day and I don't buy everything in sight to eat when I get home. Forth I don't have a Micro or oven/stove to cook shit I like.  Yes I am sick but if I have to get creative about food choices that I can't actually cook then I eat better too by limiting my choices even more.
3. FUCK I SAVE $$$ Cold hard cash! I would pay $800+ renting a friggen room here in paradise (Santa Barbara) where I can save that shit and put it in the bank.. My generation right now in this economy is pretty much shit out of luck for buying a house, etc... So this is my best chance of actually getting ahead financially in this economy. I could save a good amount of money over the next 2-4 years and then when the economy comes back and I get my career back on track I would have a down payment for a house right before the market starts to go up again. This is teaching me that I don't ever want to be in debt again! and that you can take control of your financial life even if you don't even have a job at the moment. There are always resources here in the good USA, ya it may be harder right now but we still have it better than anyone else does.

Made me feel like I was not the only one - today at the 12:00 noon meeting we had all guys and there was about 5 of us that were actively looking for work and can't find shit. It is brutal and you think to yourself when you are looking so hard and nothing is turning out that there must be something wrong with you but really a large part of it is that the economy sucks ass! I can't allow this fact allow me to feel like a victim the jobs are out there they are just harder to get right now. I feel good about lowering my pride and getting a security job that will pay the bills until I can land something good. I have to look at this shit as that way it really is and get some dam money flowing in. It is so weird not having any source of income coming in. It is good though desperation is the mother of inspiration and gets you off your ass and on the right track. I can still turn this shit into lemonade. Saving money is the real incentive and living simple.

Another good note: (I am full of good shit today)

I saved a cute new Pelican yesterday at the beach! I was having my daily nap and lunch with Charby and saw a pelican wash up on the beach and stumble up on the shore. All he could do was wobble around and sit there. There were some fucked up people of course walking up to him and taking pics but I got to use my brain and call animal control. I waited until they came and I must say they were really on the ball, they came in about 20 minutes. I flagged him down and he caught him/her with a net and put her in the truck to re-hydrate her. He said she was a new born and sometimes when they first learn to fly they get dehydrated and just crap out. He crapped out and it was lucky that I saw him and was there to call cuz they were only open for another 10 minutes. He would have had a bad night if I didn't call. Really made me feel great!

23rd day of Camping

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Well this is getting really old... OK, it is time to get to work now.. I had a phone interview this morning from a Company in the Bay Area. He was cool and said he would call me back next week. This would be a good job for the $ it should be about $65,000 to $75,000 that is not to much for the Bay Area because of the rents being so high. I would find a inexpensive place to live though. Other than that job searching today was nil.

So, I did have a hell of a nap on the beach today with Charby. This is the highlight of our day. We go down to the Goleta Beach by the pier and have lunch together and take a nap listening and watching the waves.  Could be a harder life. I always seem to have exactly what I need and usually more than what I want. I have realized I have some awesome friendships that I have the opportunity to develop. I also feel that my spirit is a lot freerer and that I am much more open to smelling the roses in life now days. Ever since I have been on unemployment and starting the biz and even now I have as peace about me that I really like and am learning to enjoy. When I was working all the time and had all that stress I did not smell the roses at all. I would not have even thought of taking a nap in the afternoon cuz I was caught up in the rat race of paying bills and trying to get more $ and spending more in the process. It is nice to live this beach lifestyle of smelling the roses and experiencing the beauty around me. I guess making the decision to smell the roses even when I go back to work has been worth the whole ordeal here, you always learn something and can always either look at the bad side or the good side of things.

Yesterday I was definitely looking at the bad side of things. I figured it out finally about what I was really  feeling and why I was feeling so bad. I have a "justified resentment" and I was on the pity pot big time about it. a justified resentment is the worst kind of resentment because it something done to you, not what you did to yourself and it is harder to get over. Like I have said I owe my ex $10,000+ dollars and this is a large weight on me more than just regular debt cuz it is my ex ya know. Resentments are the number one offenders for alchohlics and the number one thing that takes us back out. It almost happened to me this week. I was close yesterday to throwing in the towel. I am so glad that my sponsor was there for me and some of my good friends in the program my sponcee is great too! Treetop is a wonderful friend and I consider him my brother. He got so upset because he loves me and does not want to see me depressed. I am loved and have a wonderful family and a group of friends, in AA that  I would not trade for any amount of money. So I really took an inventory about this last relationship and found that I was not so wrong in it that she was. She has admitted her part and is paying her part of the bill so I should not have a resentment I should just suck it up and pay my share. It is just a tough pill to swallow for me. I know if she would have patience with me and the biz that we would be totally fine financially and it bugs the FUCK out of me that it did not work out cuz I loved her too. But if you can;t trust someone you don;t have shit. So I came to the conclusion today to take it one day at a time. If I can pay her back any $ today then I will, if I can't I won't. I can't create magic $ pop out of my ass. I just don't have the ability right now to make the money to pay back right now. I will and as soon as I deal with the resentment and give it to God it will come. I can only do what I can do. I also have this thought in my head that I can't go on and move ahead without first taking care of this debt. I need to change my thinking on this cuz I don't want to put my life on hold just so i can make sure she is taken care of before I get my life back. I deserve more than that. life is short and if she would have had the patience to stick it out then we would have been fine so fuck it I am going to live my life and be good to myself and when I can pay her she will get paid. I am making that decision right now. I won't make any major purchases or anything until she is paid but I can't live for that debt and put everything on hold. I deserve to be happy just as I pray that she is happy and finds what she wants in life. I know what makes me happy and I am going to go out and get it. I will get my business back and I will get on with it. So that is what I learned today. Thanks for listening to my bullshit and till next time..

Don't give a food addict food stamps when he is homeless...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

I wish I was normal (sometimes) haha. I am such a addict in every way shape and form! I am addicted to everything, food has always been a issue for me. I was Bulimic and anorexic when I was 13 or 14 and then it just went to compulsive overeating and compulsive everything after that. I will tell on myself again just cuz fuck it it is funny or sad what ever you think... If you are like me and a compulsive over eater then you will relate if you are not you will think I am a fucken freak. I ate so much fucken tri tip steak at F.McKlintocks Saloon and Dining House one day that I almost killed myself a couple years ago. They fix these tri tip steak kabobs and they were BBQ'Ing at the San Luis Obispo Thursday night Farmers Market. I had about 4 of these things and then we decided to go to the actual restaurant for dinner after this. I proceeded to have a huge steak dinner and ate off her plate as well. I had such bad heart palpitations that night that I seriously thought I would die. I had to stay up and pray I would make it until the steak digested, hows that for a real sick fucker... haha. I am something else. But I am sober haha. We are not saints it says in the program and I am sure glad it says that cuz I have made every fucken mistake in the book besides not picking up a drink. Progress not perfection... t is a one day at a time thing for me and today was not all that great. I did OK until it came to McDonald for my nightly all you can drink soda and greasy ass McDouble for a $1.00 not so good for you.. I remember watching that show on TV about 30 days and this guy and his girlfriend tried to make it on minimum, wage for 30 days and they talked about eating crap like this cuz of the low price. Also the supersize me video. It is a vicious circle of feeling bad but then you want something hot and you go back for it. I started out good today going to the store and using my food stamp credit card to buy a Naked fruit drink and some cashews after working out and swimming some laps at the gym this morning. Then I went back to buy some lunch meat and crackers and pudding (fucken pudding) then I went back to get some candy (see where this is going).. I obsess on everything and especially something that will change the way I am feeling. I ate OK until I came here to McDonlads and ordered the McDouble and coke. I am addicted to certain foods like Chocolate and sugar, etc.. They set me on a run and I just keep going until the pain get to much. I am acknowledging this through this blog so maybe my shit will change. I can eat right and keep my body in good shape to make it through this tuff time or be an asshole and eat like shit until I totally crap out or go drink. I will try and change and eat better tomorrow. It is the boredom of not having my business to go after and work, etc... I know but I have to stay strong and keep things moving in the right direction no matter what right now. I can not give into my demons right now. Usually I can't have anything good in the house or frig cuz I will just go through it like pac man. I am not proud of this and I don't want anyone to get the impression I am, I am just an addict trying to live one day at a time. in times of stress I go to food for state change. So back to the fucken food stamps, something about being able to just use the card to buy what I want sent me for a spin this week and I need to watch that or get used to buying good stuff to eat. I like to eat cheep cuz I only get stuff I NEED to eat and not what I want to eat. I am obsessing about the card and the money on the card and what i should buy with it to feed myself not good at making decisions like this obviously. I need some more OA Meeting's I guess. I just feel like I need to live at meetings sometimes to protect myself from myself.

OK enough negative talk. Something good that happend today is that I got to go to a good AA Meeting at 12:00 and then go to the beach and take a nap. I love to go to the beach and take a nap in the afternoon. I love Goleta and want to stay here so bad. I park the van in the parking lot and get to open the door and get into my bed and watch and listen to the ocean. Pretty awesome. Oh and I did e-mail my friend (the President of Inked Magazine to see if I could get a job somewhere in the Tattoo Industry. Don is the President and he gave me a great link on his Inked Magazine website a few months ago. I made him a Japanees tiger vase and he is a cool dude. Maybe I can get together with him in some way. That would be killer cuz of the ceramic tattoo idea I have.

My friend gave me a lead at the Casa Esperanza program for the homeless here in Santa Barbara. I drove by but was so freaked out I drove off. I may need to go talk to them and see if they can do something for me. I don't want to and I have another week or so until I will have to do this. I don't want to do this cuz of the obvious reason and having to share living arrangements freaks me out. I also have my cat and I don't want him to be alone at night. I also don't want to get stuck at a place and have to sell the van and take a bus to some shit ass place to work and get stuck. OK stay possitive... Well the weekends like this are tuff cuz I don't have anything to do like look for work, I guess I could but I need to take a break at some point and the weekends usually suck to call people and stuff. I will make it through this weekend...
Till next time...

20th Day of Camping and the big fucken 40 B-Day...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113


Oh ya life sucks pretty fucken bad! But I am sober and still have a chance for things to get better. I don't want to leave 10 minutes before the miracle happens.. I am here in McDonald's again (my second home). They are so nice here and they have $1.00 large cokes and all the refills you can get. I took the blog down for a while cuz I didn't want to have anything adversely effect me getting a job. FUCK IT! I hope they read this and I really could give a shit anyway at this point. I want to get back to doing my pottery again and feel like part of my soul is lost right now not being able to do my art. I sent out my Resume to all the fucken HOA Management positions all up and down California to see if I can pimp myself out again. I fucken hate the HOA business so fucken bad I would almost rather fucken shoot myself then to go back into that shit but it is all I have on my Resume and in this economy I am kinda screwed and need to at least try to do everything I can until I go totally broke which will be pretty fucken soon. I have about $300.00 left and I can't really afford to go look for jobs at this point with the 6 mile to the fucken gallon van I have to drive/live in right now. It is so ironic that when I had my pottery business one of the reasons it didn't take off is that I did not have a van to get me to art shows, etc.., now I have a van and got rid of the bike and can't afford to drive the fucken thing and have sold all of my art shit and live in the fucken van. Life is a trip. I know God has something in store for me to do and I really wish he would get off the pot and show me to be really honest. I am tired of going down. It is time to get going in an up word direction. I did have something really wonderful happen to me today on my big 40 and that was a recent friend I met gave me a b-day card and it had $100.00+ in it. I gave it back but it made my day and restored my faith in the human race. I really needed that and God makes sure that those things happen in my life to keep my hope alive. I am really grateful for her and that God Shot I got today. Went to a meeting tonight, they call it the "guchi meeting" I don't know why it is cool, just a lot of people. It was good and this nice gal shared about growing up in Watts and Compton. I could feel her being that my friend Serbrena is in the hood and I have learned a little about it being at the high rise and traveling through those areas to get to work and observing. Some very serious shit! I have a lot of respect for the people that live there. My white ass is going to stay out of the hood, it brings back some memories of working in LA. Maybe I will go back and make some money. I am getting pretty good at living in the van and I was thinking today it might just be the thing to do to save some money and pay back my ex the money I owe her. I need to get that shit paid off so I can fell good again and have a life. I fucken hate to have debt and especially to a fucken ex... Jesus I have created some major wreckage io sobriety haha. Fuck it, I have also made some major accomlishments and I am living my life with passion and will continue to as long as I am breathing, I will again start my business leaner and meaner than ever too. I will be the next big thing in the Tattoo industry, with my idea and ceramic art. I have faith and will continue to keep it real. Well McDonald's is closing and I am going to find a place to park for the night. Charby is getting more used to the van and that makes me feel good too. Till next time...

14th day of camping...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Interesting stuff.. The longer I am "camping" the freer I feel. I am working to not be living in the van by getting the job in Lompc at a 12 unit Motel. This would totally put me back on track!  It has a studio space and a little commercial gallery space up front. It would be the ideal situation and I really like the owner. This way I can pick up my ceramic business and keep on keeping on real soon. I was hoping to hear today but we will see the day is only half over at this point. I do feel. like God is in charge and I am just doing the foot work like as if I was doing the business and getting unemployment or having a job trying to make the mortgage or whatever.. I just get up at 6:00AM and go to the gym and work out and then sit in the jacuzzi and the steam room, etc.. Its is a hell of a way to wake up and start the day. I am getting some body mass and loosing weight, I have already lost about 25 pounds this month. I was really happy to get on food stamps on Friday. I am getting the max of $200.00 a month and this will help a great deal if I get the job in Lompoc. I will have all expenses paid and be able to really start to make some money with the business. I am not going to buy the wood portion of the business back again. I am sticking to ceramics only and doing more of a positive spin on the business with wall hangings and vases, etc... I am feeling excited to see what tomorrow brings. If you find yourself in this position I definitely recommend getting a gym membership and really giving yourself to it and making it your home for the time you are "camping". I already checked out a gym in Lompoc and am going to sign up right away when I move there. I like this life style of taking care of myself. I never understood the saying "pay yourself first" I am understanding that saying more and more. If you pay yourself first by doing first things first and take care of your physical, emotional, financial, etc... self then everything just falls into place. I am living in my own truth and trying the best I can and if I try the best I can I can be FREE! If I choose to be happy/joyass I will be happy... It is a good day - Matt - TT

5-25-11

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy Cell:  805-765-1113

Well today I have received a number of calls from some awesome friends!  I really appreciate all the calls and help people have given me through this trying time. I am waiting on a call for a job in Lompc to come in. It is a 12 unit Motel with a commercial space that I can use and a art studio for my Ceramic Business. I am soooo hopeful that God shows me the way real soon. I am having fun though seeing what is next and just having a open mind and going with the flow right now. I got a link for the Homeless in Santa Barbara Blog - Check it out! It is pretty cool and I want to expand on it. I was talking to my Sponsor John, he works for the County of Riverside down south working exclusively with the homeless. He suggested that I find a excising grant or have someone actually write a grant for a homeless program that I can work for. I could actually make a job for myself working for and helping the homeless in this area. I am going to investigate this soon. I will post what I find out. Since my NEW 5 week computer broke down and it has to be sent to the manufacturer (HP) assholes I am at the City of Goleta Library checking my e-mails and trying to type as fast as I possibly can because the clock on the screen says I only have 19 minutes left.. You only get a hour a day at this library. In the Blog they have some places that don't have timers in case you need a computer during the day for more than an hour. Ya, since I did not download the "Recovery Discs" from the start up menu of the computer now I have to pay $60.00 to HP for a new operating disc so lesson - download the discs.. Everything is a racket now days man... Anyway I am out of time till next time..
Me

Homeless in Santa Barbara



My 4th day of Camping

Posted by

Matthew S. Kennedy with www.tootallspottery.com Ceramic Tattoo Art 

Phone: (805)-765-1113

e-mail:  tootallspottery@yahoo.com

Please Also Visit

Tattoo Art Gallery.com

Memorial Tattoo Urns.com


SUCKS! Don't like it and feeling very shitty about the whole deal. Not a great day today but maybe tomorrow the day will better. The excitement of the whole thing has definitely worn off now. I feel bad for my cat (Charby) cuz all he is doing is covering up under the blankets and won't come out all day. I feel the worst for him, I am OK sleeping in the van but he does not like it all. He does come out at night and I feed him but I know he is not happy. He was abused when I adopted him and he is very skittish/old (12 years old) so the opening of the van door and other doors is not cool for him. Also cleaning up cat throw up in the morning when you wake up in your car is not really the way you want to start your day man... I would like to be waking up to someone else in a real bed and in a real house namely mine - OK enough wining for one day where is the fucken cheese right. 


Ya, so I woke up cleaned up the cat throw up and went to the gym and worked out, it was good and I started off good. I then went to fix the van with a mechanic from my old apartment complex and dropped off he car went to MacDonald's and called property management companies for work. I got a hold of someone in San Luis Obispo but I had to tell here that I could not afford to drive there to interview. It was part time and I just can't afford to go on interviews that are part time 1 1/2 hours away right now. This was probably not the job for me anyway. I could do part time here in Santa Barbara cuz I know the town and my gym is here, etc... So that was the only lead I got today. Then went and picked up the van from it's tune up, runs a lot better but I am now down to like $500.00  and that is it. As I drive around town I see homeless without a car to stay in and it is really scary. It makes me nervous and afraid of loosing all the money I have and really getting stuck in a place that I can not get out of or that will take me a ton of time to rebuild everything.  If I can get a job in the next couple weeks I can start to recover and at least be able to get to work, etc.. but if I have no gas money I don't know what I would do. OK, so ya I am a mess today and I am sure this is not helping anyone but maybe it will help me by getting it out on blogger. I took a nap at the beach about 3:00 to 7:00 and then went to an OA Meeting tonight from 7:30 to 8:30 and now am sitting in my home base (McDonald's) and writing this blog post. I will need to take a PM tonight to get to bed or maybe I can just read and that will do it? I will call a friend or two and go to bed. I need to get up early and go to the gym o I can go to a temporary agency and meet with a contact I made at a networking meeting I was attending on Friday mornings for TooTall's Pottery. He should be able to hook me up with something if I can pass there fucken bullshit tests they want you to take - I hate tests...  I am then just going to go form one end of the town to the next and fill out aps at every place I think would be good. I saw a Fed Ex guy in Taco bell at lunch and asked him if they were hiring and he said that they were and told me the location to apply so I will go there and go to a couple of other places friends have advised me to go. I need to keep a possitive attitude and just plan the action and leave the results up to God. Good night - Matt (TooTall)

First Blog Post on 3rd day of being homeless by TooTall 5-17-2011

Posted by

Matthew S. Kennedy with www.tootallspottery.com Ceramic Tattoo Art 

Phone: (805)-765-1113

e-mail:  tootallspottery@yahoo.com

I am sitting here in Goleta Ca. (paradise) at a wonderful McDonald's that has all or actually more of the comforts of my previous little studio apartment. It has a nice table that I can set my laptop on and have a glass of water, enjoy a yogurt parfait for a $1.00 and watch CNN wile I blog -  Life is cool...

OK so I am not completely homeless, I have a 1990 Ford van that God blessed me with to "go camping" in.. I am going to choose to make this journey of mine a empowering experience by trying to help the homeless and people that may become homeless soon. My story is not special or different than so many Americans today. We are all just one paycheck away from being in my situation or even worse and it can be scary or freeing - your choice. I am choosing to enjoy the journey and say fuck the destination cuz the destination is 6 feet under and if you are looking back at yesterday or toward tomorrow you are pissing on today. 

Yes, I will be using a lot of AA slogans and wording in this blog and none of it will be original, I stole it all sitting in thousands of AA meetings over the last 15+ years (the only thing I have done perfectly - Not pick up). I went to a AA meeting today and it was the Tuesday "gratitude meeting". I love it because even when I don't feel grateful I can get grateful by attending this meeting once a week. By the end of it hearing everyone's thoughts on why they are grateful for the things in their life you are bound to think of some of your own.

Yesterday I got a call form a nice lady that I gave a ride to a couple weeks ago. Things are always relative. She has it a lot worse than I do. She called me to see if she could rent some space in my little studio apartment. I had to tell her that I am living in the van and she had to try and call other people to see what she could do. Broke my heart and if the van was bigger I woulds have let her stay in it. It rained last night and all I could think of is if she was OK. I know of young families that where trying so hard to go for the American Dream with 3 kids that have to go "camping" too. It is really brutal out there right now.

This is my third day sleeping in the van and I am so glad I bought a great sleeping bag that was good for 5- below temperatures. This is the one thing that has made everything cool for me personally cuz I hate to be cold and I need good sleep. The second thing was a great was a small flashlight I got at the auto parts store for the dark nights - a couple is better for different places in the van. I want to document the things I have been doing in the last few days because I think maybe people can learn from my success's and failures. I will attempt to outline below some of the thinking that I was doing and some of the actions I took to be I have to say pretty happy and comfortable as of today anyway. I of course had to close my ceramics business down (temporarily) and that took about 2 weeks prior to me moving out of the apartment. I also was trying to be proactive in thinking that I would be homeless and trying to think of things I needed to have when the time came. I had that luxury that so many don't of having 2 weeks to plan and to buy some essentials, etc... 

• I was proactive not reactive in staying positive and working hard one day at a time. No one can blame you for anything as long as you try your best - not even yourself. 
•  I cleaned my apartment and left when I should have as to keep my empowerment of being and doing everything I can right. Don't try and cheat cuz cheaters never win in the long run - Karma man....
• I prayed and went to my AA Meetings and tried to keep things or daily tasks as normal as possible as to keep the stress down and have some things be an anchor in my life while going through this major change that was and is scary. 
• I wrote a schedule, very important again to obtain some kind of empowerment. I wrote down what I was going to do each day and the times in which I would do them. Like 6AM get up and drive to the gym to workout and shower, 9AM go to coffee shop and look for work. 12:00 go to a AA Meeting, 1-4 look for work. 4-6 go back to gym and take a shower. or blog at McDonalds. 7-9 another meeting. 9-11 call friends or blog and then go park and go to bed. This is the weekday schedule.
• HALT - Hungry, angry, lonely or tired. this is a saying that has really helped me and I am trying to practice this. It is just going back to basics and feeling good so you can be productive and make some shit happen.
• I made sure I did first things first and that is made my bed - even though it is in a van haha. seriously I took my appearance and my personal hygiene very important so that I could again be empowered and feel good about myself. Any one can do this - the dollar store has everything you need. 
• Prayed...

Just think I was at the top of my career as a Property Manager managing this beautiful 22 story high rise below in downtown Los Angels two years ago and today I am living in my van and can't seem to find a job. It is not all the economies fault of why I am where I am in my life right now. I have made some mistakes or some chain of events like everyone that leads up to this point. I made the first choice to co-mingle my financial life with my ex girlfriend and try and start a business with her after 1 month of dating. She is a good person and I loved here and actually still do have a lot of love for her and call her my friend. I have learned (my part) in the relationship and one of the things that I did was give her a resentment a month into it by giving an ultimatum and that is not fair. I also expected her to want the business as much as I did and  that is not fair. Many more lessons that I have learned and am learning but will not go into all of that right now. The second reason is that I quite or got myself laid off by exposing the truth about my last position here in Goleta to keep my integrity in tact and I am so glad I did that even though I am siting here in McDonald at 10PM about to go sleep in the van.  I can look myself in the eye today and take full responsibility for all that my life is about today. I want to learn and am eager to see what the next phase of my development will be. Life is a journey not a destination and we all have our own personal journey's to take and deal with.

Until the next blog...