23rd day of Camping

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

Well this is getting really old... OK, it is time to get to work now.. I had a phone interview this morning from a Company in the Bay Area. He was cool and said he would call me back next week. This would be a good job for the $ it should be about $65,000 to $75,000 that is not to much for the Bay Area because of the rents being so high. I would find a inexpensive place to live though. Other than that job searching today was nil.

So, I did have a hell of a nap on the beach today with Charby. This is the highlight of our day. We go down to the Goleta Beach by the pier and have lunch together and take a nap listening and watching the waves.  Could be a harder life. I always seem to have exactly what I need and usually more than what I want. I have realized I have some awesome friendships that I have the opportunity to develop. I also feel that my spirit is a lot freerer and that I am much more open to smelling the roses in life now days. Ever since I have been on unemployment and starting the biz and even now I have as peace about me that I really like and am learning to enjoy. When I was working all the time and had all that stress I did not smell the roses at all. I would not have even thought of taking a nap in the afternoon cuz I was caught up in the rat race of paying bills and trying to get more $ and spending more in the process. It is nice to live this beach lifestyle of smelling the roses and experiencing the beauty around me. I guess making the decision to smell the roses even when I go back to work has been worth the whole ordeal here, you always learn something and can always either look at the bad side or the good side of things.

Yesterday I was definitely looking at the bad side of things. I figured it out finally about what I was really  feeling and why I was feeling so bad. I have a "justified resentment" and I was on the pity pot big time about it. a justified resentment is the worst kind of resentment because it something done to you, not what you did to yourself and it is harder to get over. Like I have said I owe my ex $10,000+ dollars and this is a large weight on me more than just regular debt cuz it is my ex ya know. Resentments are the number one offenders for alchohlics and the number one thing that takes us back out. It almost happened to me this week. I was close yesterday to throwing in the towel. I am so glad that my sponsor was there for me and some of my good friends in the program my sponcee is great too! Treetop is a wonderful friend and I consider him my brother. He got so upset because he loves me and does not want to see me depressed. I am loved and have a wonderful family and a group of friends, in AA that  I would not trade for any amount of money. So I really took an inventory about this last relationship and found that I was not so wrong in it that she was. She has admitted her part and is paying her part of the bill so I should not have a resentment I should just suck it up and pay my share. It is just a tough pill to swallow for me. I know if she would have patience with me and the biz that we would be totally fine financially and it bugs the FUCK out of me that it did not work out cuz I loved her too. But if you can;t trust someone you don;t have shit. So I came to the conclusion today to take it one day at a time. If I can pay her back any $ today then I will, if I can't I won't. I can't create magic $ pop out of my ass. I just don't have the ability right now to make the money to pay back right now. I will and as soon as I deal with the resentment and give it to God it will come. I can only do what I can do. I also have this thought in my head that I can't go on and move ahead without first taking care of this debt. I need to change my thinking on this cuz I don't want to put my life on hold just so i can make sure she is taken care of before I get my life back. I deserve more than that. life is short and if she would have had the patience to stick it out then we would have been fine so fuck it I am going to live my life and be good to myself and when I can pay her she will get paid. I am making that decision right now. I won't make any major purchases or anything until she is paid but I can't live for that debt and put everything on hold. I deserve to be happy just as I pray that she is happy and finds what she wants in life. I know what makes me happy and I am going to go out and get it. I will get my business back and I will get on with it. So that is what I learned today. Thanks for listening to my bullshit and till next time..

Don't give a food addict food stamps when he is homeless...

Posted by Matthew S. Kennedy 805-765-1113

I wish I was normal (sometimes) haha. I am such a addict in every way shape and form! I am addicted to everything, food has always been a issue for me. I was Bulimic and anorexic when I was 13 or 14 and then it just went to compulsive overeating and compulsive everything after that. I will tell on myself again just cuz fuck it it is funny or sad what ever you think... If you are like me and a compulsive over eater then you will relate if you are not you will think I am a fucken freak. I ate so much fucken tri tip steak at F.McKlintocks Saloon and Dining House one day that I almost killed myself a couple years ago. They fix these tri tip steak kabobs and they were BBQ'Ing at the San Luis Obispo Thursday night Farmers Market. I had about 4 of these things and then we decided to go to the actual restaurant for dinner after this. I proceeded to have a huge steak dinner and ate off her plate as well. I had such bad heart palpitations that night that I seriously thought I would die. I had to stay up and pray I would make it until the steak digested, hows that for a real sick fucker... haha. I am something else. But I am sober haha. We are not saints it says in the program and I am sure glad it says that cuz I have made every fucken mistake in the book besides not picking up a drink. Progress not perfection... t is a one day at a time thing for me and today was not all that great. I did OK until it came to McDonald for my nightly all you can drink soda and greasy ass McDouble for a $1.00 not so good for you.. I remember watching that show on TV about 30 days and this guy and his girlfriend tried to make it on minimum, wage for 30 days and they talked about eating crap like this cuz of the low price. Also the supersize me video. It is a vicious circle of feeling bad but then you want something hot and you go back for it. I started out good today going to the store and using my food stamp credit card to buy a Naked fruit drink and some cashews after working out and swimming some laps at the gym this morning. Then I went back to buy some lunch meat and crackers and pudding (fucken pudding) then I went back to get some candy (see where this is going).. I obsess on everything and especially something that will change the way I am feeling. I ate OK until I came here to McDonlads and ordered the McDouble and coke. I am addicted to certain foods like Chocolate and sugar, etc.. They set me on a run and I just keep going until the pain get to much. I am acknowledging this through this blog so maybe my shit will change. I can eat right and keep my body in good shape to make it through this tuff time or be an asshole and eat like shit until I totally crap out or go drink. I will try and change and eat better tomorrow. It is the boredom of not having my business to go after and work, etc... I know but I have to stay strong and keep things moving in the right direction no matter what right now. I can not give into my demons right now. Usually I can't have anything good in the house or frig cuz I will just go through it like pac man. I am not proud of this and I don't want anyone to get the impression I am, I am just an addict trying to live one day at a time. in times of stress I go to food for state change. So back to the fucken food stamps, something about being able to just use the card to buy what I want sent me for a spin this week and I need to watch that or get used to buying good stuff to eat. I like to eat cheep cuz I only get stuff I NEED to eat and not what I want to eat. I am obsessing about the card and the money on the card and what i should buy with it to feed myself not good at making decisions like this obviously. I need some more OA Meeting's I guess. I just feel like I need to live at meetings sometimes to protect myself from myself.

OK enough negative talk. Something good that happend today is that I got to go to a good AA Meeting at 12:00 and then go to the beach and take a nap. I love to go to the beach and take a nap in the afternoon. I love Goleta and want to stay here so bad. I park the van in the parking lot and get to open the door and get into my bed and watch and listen to the ocean. Pretty awesome. Oh and I did e-mail my friend (the President of Inked Magazine to see if I could get a job somewhere in the Tattoo Industry. Don is the President and he gave me a great link on his Inked Magazine website a few months ago. I made him a Japanees tiger vase and he is a cool dude. Maybe I can get together with him in some way. That would be killer cuz of the ceramic tattoo idea I have.

My friend gave me a lead at the Casa Esperanza program for the homeless here in Santa Barbara. I drove by but was so freaked out I drove off. I may need to go talk to them and see if they can do something for me. I don't want to and I have another week or so until I will have to do this. I don't want to do this cuz of the obvious reason and having to share living arrangements freaks me out. I also have my cat and I don't want him to be alone at night. I also don't want to get stuck at a place and have to sell the van and take a bus to some shit ass place to work and get stuck. OK stay possitive... Well the weekends like this are tuff cuz I don't have anything to do like look for work, I guess I could but I need to take a break at some point and the weekends usually suck to call people and stuff. I will make it through this weekend...
Till next time...

My 4th day of Camping

Posted by

Matthew S. Kennedy with www.tootallspottery.com Ceramic Tattoo Art 

Phone: (805)-765-1113

e-mail:  tootallspottery@yahoo.com

Please Also Visit

Tattoo Art Gallery.com

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SUCKS! Don't like it and feeling very shitty about the whole deal. Not a great day today but maybe tomorrow the day will better. The excitement of the whole thing has definitely worn off now. I feel bad for my cat (Charby) cuz all he is doing is covering up under the blankets and won't come out all day. I feel the worst for him, I am OK sleeping in the van but he does not like it all. He does come out at night and I feed him but I know he is not happy. He was abused when I adopted him and he is very skittish/old (12 years old) so the opening of the van door and other doors is not cool for him. Also cleaning up cat throw up in the morning when you wake up in your car is not really the way you want to start your day man... I would like to be waking up to someone else in a real bed and in a real house namely mine - OK enough wining for one day where is the fucken cheese right. 


Ya, so I woke up cleaned up the cat throw up and went to the gym and worked out, it was good and I started off good. I then went to fix the van with a mechanic from my old apartment complex and dropped off he car went to MacDonald's and called property management companies for work. I got a hold of someone in San Luis Obispo but I had to tell here that I could not afford to drive there to interview. It was part time and I just can't afford to go on interviews that are part time 1 1/2 hours away right now. This was probably not the job for me anyway. I could do part time here in Santa Barbara cuz I know the town and my gym is here, etc... So that was the only lead I got today. Then went and picked up the van from it's tune up, runs a lot better but I am now down to like $500.00  and that is it. As I drive around town I see homeless without a car to stay in and it is really scary. It makes me nervous and afraid of loosing all the money I have and really getting stuck in a place that I can not get out of or that will take me a ton of time to rebuild everything.  If I can get a job in the next couple weeks I can start to recover and at least be able to get to work, etc.. but if I have no gas money I don't know what I would do. OK, so ya I am a mess today and I am sure this is not helping anyone but maybe it will help me by getting it out on blogger. I took a nap at the beach about 3:00 to 7:00 and then went to an OA Meeting tonight from 7:30 to 8:30 and now am sitting in my home base (McDonald's) and writing this blog post. I will need to take a PM tonight to get to bed or maybe I can just read and that will do it? I will call a friend or two and go to bed. I need to get up early and go to the gym o I can go to a temporary agency and meet with a contact I made at a networking meeting I was attending on Friday mornings for TooTall's Pottery. He should be able to hook me up with something if I can pass there fucken bullshit tests they want you to take - I hate tests...  I am then just going to go form one end of the town to the next and fill out aps at every place I think would be good. I saw a Fed Ex guy in Taco bell at lunch and asked him if they were hiring and he said that they were and told me the location to apply so I will go there and go to a couple of other places friends have advised me to go. I need to keep a possitive attitude and just plan the action and leave the results up to God. Good night - Matt (TooTall)

First Blog Post on 3rd day of being homeless by TooTall 5-17-2011

Posted by

Matthew S. Kennedy with www.tootallspottery.com Ceramic Tattoo Art 

Phone: (805)-765-1113

e-mail:  tootallspottery@yahoo.com

I am sitting here in Goleta Ca. (paradise) at a wonderful McDonald's that has all or actually more of the comforts of my previous little studio apartment. It has a nice table that I can set my laptop on and have a glass of water, enjoy a yogurt parfait for a $1.00 and watch CNN wile I blog -  Life is cool...

OK so I am not completely homeless, I have a 1990 Ford van that God blessed me with to "go camping" in.. I am going to choose to make this journey of mine a empowering experience by trying to help the homeless and people that may become homeless soon. My story is not special or different than so many Americans today. We are all just one paycheck away from being in my situation or even worse and it can be scary or freeing - your choice. I am choosing to enjoy the journey and say fuck the destination cuz the destination is 6 feet under and if you are looking back at yesterday or toward tomorrow you are pissing on today. 

Yes, I will be using a lot of AA slogans and wording in this blog and none of it will be original, I stole it all sitting in thousands of AA meetings over the last 15+ years (the only thing I have done perfectly - Not pick up). I went to a AA meeting today and it was the Tuesday "gratitude meeting". I love it because even when I don't feel grateful I can get grateful by attending this meeting once a week. By the end of it hearing everyone's thoughts on why they are grateful for the things in their life you are bound to think of some of your own.

Yesterday I got a call form a nice lady that I gave a ride to a couple weeks ago. Things are always relative. She has it a lot worse than I do. She called me to see if she could rent some space in my little studio apartment. I had to tell her that I am living in the van and she had to try and call other people to see what she could do. Broke my heart and if the van was bigger I woulds have let her stay in it. It rained last night and all I could think of is if she was OK. I know of young families that where trying so hard to go for the American Dream with 3 kids that have to go "camping" too. It is really brutal out there right now.

This is my third day sleeping in the van and I am so glad I bought a great sleeping bag that was good for 5- below temperatures. This is the one thing that has made everything cool for me personally cuz I hate to be cold and I need good sleep. The second thing was a great was a small flashlight I got at the auto parts store for the dark nights - a couple is better for different places in the van. I want to document the things I have been doing in the last few days because I think maybe people can learn from my success's and failures. I will attempt to outline below some of the thinking that I was doing and some of the actions I took to be I have to say pretty happy and comfortable as of today anyway. I of course had to close my ceramics business down (temporarily) and that took about 2 weeks prior to me moving out of the apartment. I also was trying to be proactive in thinking that I would be homeless and trying to think of things I needed to have when the time came. I had that luxury that so many don't of having 2 weeks to plan and to buy some essentials, etc... 

• I was proactive not reactive in staying positive and working hard one day at a time. No one can blame you for anything as long as you try your best - not even yourself. 
•  I cleaned my apartment and left when I should have as to keep my empowerment of being and doing everything I can right. Don't try and cheat cuz cheaters never win in the long run - Karma man....
• I prayed and went to my AA Meetings and tried to keep things or daily tasks as normal as possible as to keep the stress down and have some things be an anchor in my life while going through this major change that was and is scary. 
• I wrote a schedule, very important again to obtain some kind of empowerment. I wrote down what I was going to do each day and the times in which I would do them. Like 6AM get up and drive to the gym to workout and shower, 9AM go to coffee shop and look for work. 12:00 go to a AA Meeting, 1-4 look for work. 4-6 go back to gym and take a shower. or blog at McDonalds. 7-9 another meeting. 9-11 call friends or blog and then go park and go to bed. This is the weekday schedule.
• HALT - Hungry, angry, lonely or tired. this is a saying that has really helped me and I am trying to practice this. It is just going back to basics and feeling good so you can be productive and make some shit happen.
• I made sure I did first things first and that is made my bed - even though it is in a van haha. seriously I took my appearance and my personal hygiene very important so that I could again be empowered and feel good about myself. Any one can do this - the dollar store has everything you need. 
• Prayed...

Just think I was at the top of my career as a Property Manager managing this beautiful 22 story high rise below in downtown Los Angels two years ago and today I am living in my van and can't seem to find a job. It is not all the economies fault of why I am where I am in my life right now. I have made some mistakes or some chain of events like everyone that leads up to this point. I made the first choice to co-mingle my financial life with my ex girlfriend and try and start a business with her after 1 month of dating. She is a good person and I loved here and actually still do have a lot of love for her and call her my friend. I have learned (my part) in the relationship and one of the things that I did was give her a resentment a month into it by giving an ultimatum and that is not fair. I also expected her to want the business as much as I did and  that is not fair. Many more lessons that I have learned and am learning but will not go into all of that right now. The second reason is that I quite or got myself laid off by exposing the truth about my last position here in Goleta to keep my integrity in tact and I am so glad I did that even though I am siting here in McDonald at 10PM about to go sleep in the van.  I can look myself in the eye today and take full responsibility for all that my life is about today. I want to learn and am eager to see what the next phase of my development will be. Life is a journey not a destination and we all have our own personal journey's to take and deal with.

Until the next blog...