TODAYS JOKE

I've got a pair of young and rather lovely lesbians living next to me
and recently for my birthday they bought me a splendid Rolex,

I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.


I'll get me binoculars !

TODAYS JOKE

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that a blonde was using the password : "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I'll get me Mac

TODAYS JOKE

I can't believe the News of The World is no more. Its like learning of the
death of an old paedophile grandfather. You can't really mourn him but when you were growing up he was always there on your bed on Sunday mornings !

TODAYS JOKE

I decided to sell my stuffed Labrador on Ebay ...................... It didn't fetch much !




I'll get me tweed jacket !

TODAYS JOKE

I was going to enter my wife in a television quiz until someone pointed out to me that it was actually called ' Fact Hunt '.


I'll get me suitcase !

TODAYS JOKE

Local police continue the hunt today for the "Knitting Needle Nutter" who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern.

I'll get me affidavit !

TODAYS JOKE

I had 200 litres of Tippex delivered to my house today ................. Big mistake !


I'll get me eraser !

TODAYS JOKE

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!  ........ You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! ...You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

I'll get me reflective Raybans !!

TODAYS JOKE

TODAYS JOKE

Swansea City FC are promoted to the English Premier League, the first Welsh team to qualify since its inception in 1991 ........ at least it will mean that Liverpool will get to play abroad next season ........... which is nice.


I'll get me passport !

AN APOLOGY

Recently I posted a picture of a Manchester United banner that had been unfurled at Anfield, the ground of Liverpool FC. The banner read ' MUFC 19 Times ' and I thought it was meant to represent the number of times United had won the league.

It now appears that it was the number of times United players would touch the ball during the 2011 Champions League final at Wembley.

TODAYS JOKE

What do Fernando Torres and Imogen Thomas have in common ?

They were both fucking good football players not so long ago !


He's Welsh, he's red ... he sleeps in his brother's bed ... Ryan Giggs, Ryan Giggs

TODAYS JOKE

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that even though he is happy in Manchester ....... he does miss Wales occasionally.

Ryan, who is originally from Cardiff, is famous for taking out an injunction against former Miss Wales Imogen Thomas. He also works as a professional footballer in  Manchester.

I'll get me shin pads !

TODAYS JOKE

Did you know .........
that an anagram of Imogen Thomas is ' A smooth minge ' ?
and ' Saggy Ring ' is an anagram of the player who has seen it.

Here are some more clues ......
He plays in red with all his might, for a son of Scotland .. he wages the fight
he plays on the left but not on the right, the hair on his chest is dark as night
and he isn't quite black yet he isn't all white .......... who is he ?

I'll get me dictionary !

TODAYS JOKE

According to the latest reports coming over the wire, US naval forces dressed the deceased corpse of Osama Bin Laden in a West Ham United football jersey before committing his body to the deep to ensure that it sank to the bottom quicker.


I'll get me frogsuit !




DID YOU KNOW ...... 'LOB MAN IN DA SEA' IS AN ANAGRAM OF OSAMA BIN LADEN ?

TODAYS JOKE

Whilst celebrating Arsenals victory over Manchester United on sunday, with hindsight, it was perhaps unwise of Osama Bin Laden to run into the street screaming ' Come on you Gunners '.

Osama Bin Laden was a regular supporter of Arsenal FC during the early 90's while living in london.






I'll get me hijab !

TODAYS JOKE

I'm beginning to think that my latest Facebook post - 'RIP, a true Hero ... only Muhammad was greater than you',  may have been misinterpreted by some ....


Has no one else heard of Henry Cooper ????

SIR HENRY COOPER OBE  -  [3 MAY 1934 -1 MAY 2011]

TODAYS JOKE

I bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calender for christmas last year, the thing is ........... everytime I opened one of the doors ..... a voice told me to f*ck off !!



I'll get me sleigh

TODAYS JOKE

I don't think it's appropriate to make light of the situation in the
wake of this tragedy, I know it's hard to feel sympathy because
they're all foreigners, but we have to remember that they lost
almost everything in an instant and have been left with next to
nothing ..........................................

Still, there's always next season for Arsenal.

I'll get me coat

TODAYS JOKE

The UN have announced that if they capture Gaddafi, they will stick
him some place where he can do no harm ..........................

Up front for Arsenal FC.

I'll get me coat